I love every version of myself.

I love every version of myself.

These pictures were taken 11 years apart.

The left picture was taken at the absolute hardest part of my health journey. At that point, I had seen 40 doctors, I was 25 pounds underweight, I was living with my mother-in-law because I was too sick to care for myself, and I needed more care than Travis could realistically provide for me. My skin was yellow because squash was one of the only things I could eat. I was on anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressants, and anti-spasmodic meds (for my gut). I slept less than three hours per night and rarely left the house. I made all my own food, and only ate about ten foods total. I was carried through this time by the prayers of the people, and by the love of Travis and of his mom. Every day was a feat to simply exist.

That version of myself is beautiful to me. That was me in the depths of the fire. That was me at rock bottom. That was me disintegrating like a caterpillar in its chrysalis. It was truly an awful time, but I would not be who I am today without that time, and what I went through.

Many years have passed since that picture on the left was taken. I have changed in more ways than I can count, and life has gotten better in every single way.

The Mariah on the right has seen 70 doctors. She went to hell and back in her own heart and body over the past 20 years. She tried every approach to health that was available to her. She learned more about her own courage and strength than she ever dreamed possible. She loves herself. She is not afraid of being herself. She died and was rebirthed a thousand times, and lived to tell the story.

Today I pause and honor every version of myself: the weak parts, the strong parts, the devastating parts, and the victorious parts. Every part of my life experience belongs.

I am so grateful for the love of my family and friends that got me through hardest of times of my life. I am so grateful to God, who watched over me and carried me through it all.

I am grateful that I am here today to share my story, my life, and my light with the world.